Reflections on tolerance

Yom Kippur is traditionally a time for reflection on one's self. This year I had the opportunity to learn a bit about myself from observing my reactions while painting work was being done in my house at the beginning of this week.

First, these two days made me think about what home means to me. Home is a private and safe space where I can be myself. I spend the vast majority of my life at home (because this is also where I work), and when people visit it is usually on my terms. During these two days we had furniture moved around and there was no privacy. I was reduced to sitting in one corner of the living room while the work went on, and the cats had to hide. It felt intrusive, and even though I knew the work had to be done to improve our standard of living, the process was not enjoyable.

The second thing I started to notice was what I perceived as the inconsiderate behaviour of the workers. Despite being told not to smoke indoors they smoked, at first only on the balcony, and then in other rooms. They also made more mess than was necessary, and their idea of cleaning up afterwards was scraping the most prominent paint marks off the floor, but no more than that. I kept thinking that if I had to work in someone else's house I would be more considerate of their personal space and their priorities. I became aware that this degree of consideration for others, which I consider as one of my most important qualities, must be quite rare. Most people do what they can get away with.

I then started asking myself why I wasn't being more assertive. I could have told them again not to smoke indoors, and perhaps nagged them to be more careful with the paint or to clean up the dust and paint more thoroughly. But I didn't want to create a bad atmosphere, so it appears that my desire for conflict avoidance outweighs my expectation of consideration from others. Even though their behaviour was obviously bothering me, I found that I could tolerate it.

The word "tolerance" comes from a Latin verb, tolero, meaning "to bear, to endure". This definition makes sense to me. A tolerant person can endure something unwelcome or unpleasant rather than reacting against it. Instead of just thinking about my own needs, I was willing to let the workers behave in the way they wanted. In a similar way, I am often willing to stand in the longest queue (line) in the supermarket because I know I am more patient than many others, and so it is easier for me to bear or endure the wait.

Tolerance comes from a place of inner strength. A tolerant person has empathy for others, is aware of the differences between individuals, and is willing to accept a wide range of behaviours and attitudes, even the disagreeable ones. I bore the workers' lack of consideration for my needs because I knew it was temporary, and the alternative, being assertive, would create tension and perhaps lower their motivation to do a good job. I choose to view this as strength rather than weakness on my part. The ability to put my own needs aside and allow others to do something I find bothering is a minor form of self-sacrifice I consider generous or even noble, to some extent.